Come What May

I gasped for air.  I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe, and somehow I still heard myself scream.  I thought I was dying. One evening I started a blog post I couldn’t finish.  I wrote it, I stared at it, and I deleted it.  Then I cried.  Life has been really good for me the past month.  I finished a semester, I got good grades, I took a vacation, I got a pay raise, I leave the house regularly, and I have even better things to look forward to.  Sometimes I feel so happy and encouraged! That is not why I cry.  The National Institute of Mental Health says not every traumatized person develops post-traumatic stress disorder.  It actually surprised me to see how high I scored on the screening tests.  Then my roommate woke up to my screaming (again) and I stopped feeling so surprised.  PTSD is an anxiety disorder which can develop months or years after a traumatic event.  Since I was 17 I’ve always felt a little traum...

“I GOT 4 HOURS OF SLEEP!   I HAVE HAD HIVES SINCE WEDNESDAY!   AFTER I HAD A FEVER FOR THREE DAYS!   AFTER ALL THOSE BASILAR MIGRAINE ATTACKS!   AFTER I DEVELOPED SEVERE DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY!   AFTER I HAD A MOSQUITO BORNE ILLNESS!   THAT IS JUST THIS YEAR! I AM TRYING TO GO TO THE TEMPLE, DAGNABBIT GIVE ME A BREAK!   WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT ME TO LEARN FROM HAVING THESE STUPID HIVES?   WHY CAN’T YOU GIVE IT A REST?”   I said very calmly.   Just kidding!   I was screaming.   Also crying.   Also yes, I really said dagnabbit. It was 6 am.  I was alone in my car and on my way to the Provo Temple to work my weekly Saturday morning shift as an ordinance worker.  I had already been up for hours trying to soothe my recurring rash.  Food allergies.  Would you believe it?  I couldn’t.  I wasn’t even over my flu yet.  Did I mention it was finals week? I’m allergic to Red40 food colo...

“Crying helps me slow down and obsess over the weight of life’s problems.”  -Sadness (Inside Out) I think that sometimes I make people sad.  I wish I could say that today will be different, but I am going to be honest: You might feel sad reading this.  I hope that it will also make you happy. Last year when I was evaluated for depression and anxiety my therapist showed me a line graph to help me understand the severity of my condition over time.  The first line indicated where “normal people” were on the scale of mental health.  The second line showed when suicidal risk necessitated hospitalization.  The third line was me.  I was up by line two.  Needless to say I’ve enjoyed being back under “normal” considerably. Enter basilar migraine attacks. Unfortunately the tasks of daily living have still been a little tough for me lately.  My migraines are like mini-strokes.  I have a hard time thinking straight.  I have a hard time...

“Finish this sentence: I am…” “Tired.” So damn tired. Tired of headaches, tired of being poor, tired of censoring the swear words that pop into my head, tired of rejection, tired of doctors’ offices, tired of being misunderstood, tired of people telling me what to do, tired of not knowing what to do.  But mostly I’m just tired.  Like a cranky 2-year-old after he skipped his afternoon nap. It’s kind of hard being tired all the time.  Everything takes so much energy and time.  It’s probably taken me a week to write that first paragraph.  Try sitting in group therapy sometime.  Everybody is tired there.  Usually when I write something I like to have a point.  Being as tired as I am, I’m having a hard time finding a theme here other than: “I am tired.”  I make a lot of decisions based on my level of tiredness.  Should I go grocery shopping?  Well I need food, but I’m tired.  Should I go out tonight?  Heck no...

A few years ago  The Iron Lady  came out in theaters.    The ever talented Meryl Streep was playing the role of Margaret Thatcher, the Iron Lady; what a perfect combination.    My friends and I were the only individuals in that theater under the age of 40.    Apparently the youth of America do not want to see movies about old British ladies, which is a shame.    Margaret Thatcher is by far the most interesting and clever woman I have ever read about extensively on Wikipedia.    Of course much of the dialogue in the film is fabricated, but from what I understand it is true to form.    My favorite scene happens between Margaret Thatcher and her doctor when he asks his spirited, but aged and declining dementia patient how she feels. “One of the greatest problems of our age is that we are governed by people who care more about feelings than they do about thoughts and ideas.  Now, thoughts and ideas, that interes...

“For when we want to speak to God, we pray. And when we want Him to speak to us, we search the scriptures” (Elder Robert D. Hales). Heavenly Father, I am… I— I can’t.  I’m sorry. Shortly after I turned 18 I knelt by my bedside to ask Heavenly Father if He was there, if He was listening, and if He was mindful of me.  In that dark and quiet room I felt an overwhelming presence of love and peace fill my soul.  He and his angels were close by and He wanted me to know it. I have never forgotten that special prayer when I rediscovered that God was real, that He loved His little girl, and that He was really listening; nor have I ever doubted it since. Father, I know that…I just… I’m—I can’t do this. I recently discovered that just because I know God is listening, doesn’t mean I always want to talk to Him.   Father, I—I’m… It's hard for me to talk about my feelings. I know God can take whatever I have to say, but there are moments when I can’t...

“Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3). You are a bitch. Lex, breathe. Worthless piece of sh— Focus on your breathing. That’s not you, you know that. You think the word crap is inappropriate. “Hey Alexis! You look cute today!” “Thanks!” You couldn’t even get out of bed for class. You are pathetic. It's fine, I’m going to work now. You should kill yourself. Jump off the balcony. Just kill yourself. You are useless. Kill yourself. “Hey Alexis, I need some help with Angular Kinetics, can we go over that?” Inhale. Exhale. Breathe. Focus on this moment. Just enjoy this moment. “We sure can.” “This class is called ‘Learning through Service,’ so I’m not going to give you a test. Your midterm is to get into groups of three and go find someone to serve. Be back at 4:35.” “So what do you guys want to do?” I don’t want to do anything. “Do you mind if we sa...