Side Effects

“Finish this sentence: I am…”
“Tired.”

So damn tired.

Tired of headaches, tired of being poor, tired of censoring the swear words that pop into my head, tired of rejection, tired of doctors’ offices, tired of being misunderstood, tired of people telling me what to do, tired of not knowing what to do.  But mostly I’m just tired.  Like a cranky 2-year-old after he skipped his afternoon nap.

It’s kind of hard being tired all the time.  Everything takes so much energy and time.  It’s probably taken me a week to write that first paragraph.  Try sitting in group therapy sometime.  Everybody is tired there. 

Usually when I write something I like to have a point.  Being as tired as I am, I’m having a hard time finding a theme here other than: “I am tired.”  I make a lot of decisions based on my level of tiredness.  Should I go grocery shopping?  Well I need food, but I’m tired.  Should I go out tonight?  Heck no, I’m tired.  Should I take a nap?  Of course! I’m tired.

With the help of medication I’m feeling much more myself these days.  My anxiety and depression subsided almost as quickly as it escalated.  In a few months I’ll even get to stop taking my antidepressants. Unfortunately to every treatment there are potential side effects.  “Potential” for me means “I am most definitely getting those.”  I think my body just doesn’t want to miss out on any adverse reactions.  My depression actually started out as a side effect. 

Side effects are secondary responses to some type of treatment, usually unwanted.  Nausea from antibiotics, pain from traction therapy, fatigue from antidepressants.  Side effects can show up in all sorts of ways.  Last semester, for example, in the interest of health I withdrew from school, quit my job, quit my internship, lost my scholarship, and lost some socks, not necessarily in that order.  Just side effects.  It’s not my fault (except maybe the socks), but I’ve got to deal with them.

Now I’m just tired.

And I’ve been thinking, maybe I’m not the only one who is tired.  Maybe that girl sitting next to you looks worried because she was just diagnosed with cancer; maybe that new guy is quiet in church because he is still trying to reconcile his same-sex attraction with his religious beliefs; maybe she didn’t say hi because she was thinking about the test she just failed; maybe he didn’t look up because he’s still sad about dumping his girlfriend.  Maybe we should just give each other a break.  Maybe we should just give ourselves a break.

Maybe I’m not the only one that’s tired.  I’ve been forgetting that a lot lately.

So if you’re feeling tired, make sure you eat right, go to bed early, exercise regularly, manage your time, and cut back where you need to.  But if after all that you are still tired like me, go take a little nap.  Maybe treat yourself to a haircut; take care of your body, your mind, and your spirit; ask for help, ask for patience, be patient; and remember that maybe you aren’t the only one that’s feeling tired today.

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