Hives, Drives, and Wishful Thinking

“I GOT 4 HOURS OF SLEEP!  I HAVE HAD HIVES SINCE WEDNESDAY!  AFTER I HAD A FEVER FOR THREE DAYS!  AFTER ALL THOSE BASILAR MIGRAINE ATTACKS!  AFTER I DEVELOPED SEVERE DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY!  AFTER I HAD A MOSQUITO BORNE ILLNESS!  THAT IS JUST THIS YEAR! I AM TRYING TO GO TO THE TEMPLE, DAGNABBIT GIVE ME A BREAK!  WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT ME TO LEARN FROM HAVING THESE STUPID HIVES?  WHY CAN’T YOU GIVE IT A REST?”  I said very calmly.  Just kidding!  I was screaming.  Also crying.  Also yes, I really said dagnabbit.

It was 6 am.  I was alone in my car and on my way to the Provo Temple to work my weekly Saturday morning shift as an ordinance worker.  I had already been up for hours trying to soothe my recurring rash.  Food allergies.  Would you believe it?  I couldn’t.  I wasn’t even over my flu yet.  Did I mention it was finals week?

I’m allergic to Red40 food coloring.  Wednesday afternoon I actually thought to myself:  Okay nothing red today Lex you’ve got to stay healthy!  Don’t want to even risk getting hives!  Like that one time you had surgery on your foot, 5 sessions of traction therapy for your back, loaded up on pain meds, and then got hives all by the end of one week?  You don’t want that to happen again, that would be horrible! HAHAHAHAHA. Oh man, can you even imagine?

Purple.  Purple has red in it.  And I am an idiot.

Normally I don’t get too worked up about hives, but I guess by day three that rash really had me raging.  Later I knelt down at my bed for an equally sincere, but much gentler prayer and quietly asked, “So, am I due for a break yet?”  A couple days later walking home from one of my finals I got my answer—clear, quick, and quiet.

“No.”

No you do not get a break. 

Every so often someone who loves me says to the effect, “I have a feeling this is the end of your health challenges!  I bet things are going to be just amazing from here on out!”  While I appreciate the optimism, I’ve learned to stop putting my faith in outcomes that may very well be wishful thinking.   Maybe you are right.  Maybe I am due for a break.  Maybe I’ll stop getting sick.  Maybe now that I can leave the house again someone will ask me on a date.  Maybe I’ll get a great job.  Maybe all my dreams will come true.  Or maybe they won’t.  Maybe my financial situation will continue to make me cringe.  Maybe that date will turn into heartbreak.  Maybe I’ll get sick again.  Maybe there’s no time for time off and it only gets harder.  Maybe you are wrong. 

I just don’t know. 

Recently I reread one of my favorite devotionals from Gordon B. Hinckley in which he quotes columnist Jenkins Lloyd Jones:

“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed.  The fact is that most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise...

“Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

For now this train will be chugging along, with plenty of breathtaking views and uncomfortable breakdowns.  I'll get where I'm going when I get there.  I hope you do too. Just know life might not be going the same way you planned on getting there.

 Love,
Lex

Comments

  1. HeidiMonday, April 25, 2016

    Lex,you are a flower in the garden of life. Stay strong dear sister. God's love will bear you up. Put your trust in His ample arm.♥️🌻🌻🌻🌻

    ReplyDelete

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