The Advocate


“For when we want to speak to God, we pray. And when we want Him to speak to us, we search the scriptures” (Elder Robert D. Hales).

Heavenly Father,
I am… I— I can’t.  I’m sorry.

Shortly after I turned 18 I knelt by my bedside to ask Heavenly Father if He was there, if He was listening, and if He was mindful of me.  In that dark and quiet room I felt an overwhelming presence of love and peace fill my soul.  He and his angels were close by and He wanted me to know it. I have never forgotten that special prayer when I rediscovered that God was real, that He loved His little girl, and that He was really listening; nor have I ever doubted it since.

Father,
I know that…I just… I’m—I can’t do this.

I recently discovered that just because I know God is listening, doesn’t mean I always want to talk to Him.  

Father,
I—I’m…

It's hard for me to talk about my feelings. I know God can take whatever I have to say, but there are moments when I can’t.  Week after week I am given counsel and advice about how to deal with my depression and anxiety.  Sometimes it feels that the one person who understands, the one person who could help me, the one person I plead with for direction remains silent: God. 

I know that’s not as true as it can feel.  Remember what I learned when I was 18?  I know He’s here.  I know He hears me.  I know He loves me.  He’s been there for every scary medical test, for every night I cried myself to sleep, for medication after medication after medication. He was there for the mysterious infection that couldn’t be cured, the convulsive twitching from my pinched nerves, and the crippling pain from my African illness.  I am so grateful for the healthy perspective I’ve gained over the years, knowing that God’s plan is better than my plan, that I can do hard things, and that He can help me through them.  I know He is helping me now.

I still didn’t want to talk to Him. 

“Alexis what if you told God how you were feeling?  What would that look like?”
“I…don’t know.”
Well Heavenly Father today I thought about jumping off the balcony, drowning, and shooting myself.  That’s a new one.  How’s Heaven?
“Will you try it please?  I want you to talk to the right side of the couch like God is sitting next to you. Can you do that?”
No.
“Yeah.”

Here’s what it looks like: Tears; lots and lots and lots of tears; some gasping for air, one desperate “I can’t,” more tears, some probing from my therapist; then a cautious but genuine expression of all my anger, bitterness, and loneliness. 

For weeks I had felt the need to hold back my resentment and distress from God, believing that His reply would be as it has always been: Peace be unto thy soul (D&C121:7). But I didn’t feel at peace. I wanted help and I wanted more than He was giving. Then I remembered someone else who felt my anger, who felt forsaken, and who had begged God for relief.

Listen to him who is the advocate with the Father, who is pleading your cause before him--
Saying: Father, behold the sufferings and death of him who did no sin… spare these my brethren that believe on my name, that they may come unto me and have everlasting life (D&C 45:3-5).

Suddenly my vision of the Savior writhing in agony and pleading for my soul became clearer. Christ purchased me with his blood.  My pain is His pain.  He is my Healer.  He is my Advocate.  He is my Savior.  He takes me as I am, however I am.

I thought long and hard about what God would’ve said back to me after my tearful confession on the couch.  It sounded something like this:  “Alexis, thou knowest that I love thee.  I want you to come home.  But I am preparing you for eternal glory and you are not finished yet.”

I know there are a lot of people out there with a much deeper darkness than the one I have experienced recently. I marvel at the words of the great apostle Paul, who bore prisons and beatings and scorn and more: “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us” (Romans 8:18).

May we turn to the Lord and learn to be happy, but if not let us hope for those better days to come.

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