10 Reasons I Know This Isn't Hell
“Crying helps me slow down and obsess over the weight of life’s problems.”
-Sadness (Inside Out)
I think that sometimes I make people sad. I wish I could say that today will be different, but I am going to be honest: You might feel sad reading this. I hope that it will also make you happy.
Last year when I was evaluated for depression and anxiety my therapist showed me a line graph to help me understand the severity of my condition over time. The first line indicated where “normal people” were on the scale of mental health. The second line showed when suicidal risk necessitated hospitalization. The third line was me. I was up by line two. Needless to say I’ve enjoyed being back under “normal” considerably.
Enter basilar migraine attacks.
Unfortunately the tasks of daily living have still been a little tough for me lately. My migraines are like mini-strokes. I have a hard time thinking straight. I have a hard time walking straight. I’ve even lost a little sensation on the right side of my body. Grocery shopping with me is a nightmare. “Why am I holding this bag of flour again?”
My uncle has been known to say, “Well, life’s hell and then you die!” I don’t think he means it literally, but for myself I’ve wondered. One night, some time ago, I thought I felt someone grab me by the ankle and start pulling me downward.
Hell. I thought frantically. I am going to hell!
It filled me with horror. It was like God dropped me off at the devil’s house and left me alone in the fire. I felt scared, angry, sad, and irrational. While the feelings lingered in the days that followed I started to make a list. It is a list of reasons why I know this isn’t hell; neither comprehensive nor universal. It’s just for me, and it gives me hope and it keeps me calm. So here it is just so you know that I know that I am not in hell.
One: Children
On my way to work a little boy was riding very deliberately toward me on his scooter. The further I moved out of his way the closer he got. He smiled mischievously, stopped just in front of where I stood, and fell flat onto his back while screaming in pretend agony. It made me realize how much I needed to smile that day.
Two: Trees
There are a lot of sad things happening around the world, things we’ll never understand or even hear about. Being in nature reminds me that the world is also still a beautiful place and that God is truly glorious.
Three: Action Figures
Mom bought me a “Thor” action figure for my last birthday. I had jokingly asked her for a boyfriend.
Four: Mom
She’s the kind of woman that buys her 22-year-old daughter an action figure for her birthday.
Five: Dad
Who signs every text “Love, Daddy-O.”
Six: My siblings
We love each other so much we waited until two days after Christmas to see the new Star Wars movie just so we could all go together. #truelove
Seven: Friends
I have always been blessed with wonderful friends. They love me, they check up on me, and they put up with me which isn't always easy to do.
Eight: Indoor Plumbing
I am grateful for indoor toilets and hot showers, but mostly I find that being grateful for little things like that reminds me that I still have a lot of reasons to be happy.
Nine: Katie
Katie has quadriplegic cerebral palsy. She is 12. Her limbs don’t work too well, she can’t eat, and she can’t speak, but she can understand everything you say and she can smile. Katie has a hard life, but she always has a smile and laugh for me. Katie, with all her purity and sweetness, reminds me often that we are most definitely not in hell.
Ten: Faith
“Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen” (Ether 12:6). I’m not so sure about a lot of things these days, but I’ve discovered something important about myself: I have hope in the Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ and I believe if that is real, a lot of other things must be real too.
-Sadness (Inside Out)
I think that sometimes I make people sad. I wish I could say that today will be different, but I am going to be honest: You might feel sad reading this. I hope that it will also make you happy.
Last year when I was evaluated for depression and anxiety my therapist showed me a line graph to help me understand the severity of my condition over time. The first line indicated where “normal people” were on the scale of mental health. The second line showed when suicidal risk necessitated hospitalization. The third line was me. I was up by line two. Needless to say I’ve enjoyed being back under “normal” considerably.
Enter basilar migraine attacks.
Unfortunately the tasks of daily living have still been a little tough for me lately. My migraines are like mini-strokes. I have a hard time thinking straight. I have a hard time walking straight. I’ve even lost a little sensation on the right side of my body. Grocery shopping with me is a nightmare. “Why am I holding this bag of flour again?”
My uncle has been known to say, “Well, life’s hell and then you die!” I don’t think he means it literally, but for myself I’ve wondered. One night, some time ago, I thought I felt someone grab me by the ankle and start pulling me downward.
Hell. I thought frantically. I am going to hell!
It filled me with horror. It was like God dropped me off at the devil’s house and left me alone in the fire. I felt scared, angry, sad, and irrational. While the feelings lingered in the days that followed I started to make a list. It is a list of reasons why I know this isn’t hell; neither comprehensive nor universal. It’s just for me, and it gives me hope and it keeps me calm. So here it is just so you know that I know that I am not in hell.
One: Children
On my way to work a little boy was riding very deliberately toward me on his scooter. The further I moved out of his way the closer he got. He smiled mischievously, stopped just in front of where I stood, and fell flat onto his back while screaming in pretend agony. It made me realize how much I needed to smile that day.
Two: Trees
There are a lot of sad things happening around the world, things we’ll never understand or even hear about. Being in nature reminds me that the world is also still a beautiful place and that God is truly glorious.
Three: Action Figures
Mom bought me a “Thor” action figure for my last birthday. I had jokingly asked her for a boyfriend.
Four: Mom
She’s the kind of woman that buys her 22-year-old daughter an action figure for her birthday.
Five: Dad
Who signs every text “Love, Daddy-O.”
Six: My siblings
We love each other so much we waited until two days after Christmas to see the new Star Wars movie just so we could all go together. #truelove
Seven: Friends
I have always been blessed with wonderful friends. They love me, they check up on me, and they put up with me which isn't always easy to do.
Eight: Indoor Plumbing
I am grateful for indoor toilets and hot showers, but mostly I find that being grateful for little things like that reminds me that I still have a lot of reasons to be happy.
Nine: Katie
Katie has quadriplegic cerebral palsy. She is 12. Her limbs don’t work too well, she can’t eat, and she can’t speak, but she can understand everything you say and she can smile. Katie has a hard life, but she always has a smile and laugh for me. Katie, with all her purity and sweetness, reminds me often that we are most definitely not in hell.
Ten: Faith
“Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen” (Ether 12:6). I’m not so sure about a lot of things these days, but I’ve discovered something important about myself: I have hope in the Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ and I believe if that is real, a lot of other things must be real too.
We love Alexis. You are a truly beautiful women with great insight. Tree's, they are my number one joy.
ReplyDeleteAlexis, you know what's crazy is that I'm your cousin and the last time I think I saw you was 18 years ago? I don't know you, but I read your post and cried because my heart aches with yours. God has not left you in hell or left you at all. He is Immanuel, God with us. You can't earn his love or his atonement, only receive it, as a gift, like a precious gift from a daddy to his child that can't be bought because the child has no job or currency. Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." How amazing that God rejoices over Alexis with singing! He thinks you're beautiful, even with all your imperfection, all your anxiety, all your doubt. You don't need to be good enough, you just need to rest in his quieting, calming, unconditional love. That's where your identity Romans 8 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." Love you cuz -Josh Champneys
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing something so deeply personal, it's rare to find such honesty.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing something so deeply personal, it's rare to find such honesty.
ReplyDelete