Come What May

October 17th.  I remember October 17th. It was a Saturday night. The weather was good. My brothers had insisted on taking me to a poetry slam, so I sat for an hour in the melancholy ambiance of aspiring poets until I received permission to leave. Meanwhile the sweetest girl you ever knew put the finishing touches on a surprise party she realized too late I didn’t want. I came home to a full house, ate a taco, snapped at my brother in front of all my friends, gave out some hugs and a “thank you for coming,” then snuck away to my room to cry. That’s when I knew—alone in a dark corner with the sound of dear friends and family on the other side of the door—that’s when I knew I wanted to die. I don't always say it, and I don't always show it, but I am truly grateful for every breath I have ever breathed since that day two years ago. Today I am not only breathing, but happy about it too. Life is so good, whether I deserve it or not.   Recently, I was reminded of a...

It was a lovely April morning.  The sun shone, the tulips bloomed, the mountains beckoned, and I was inside staring at a computer screen in the Harold B. Lee Library reading my next chapter for class.  Ever the devoted student.  Minutes later I was greeted by a handsome young man I know. "What are you up to?" He inquires cheerfully. "Just working on a reading assignment."  I smile politely. "Oh yeah?  What are you reading about?"  He asks with interest. "Female orgasms!" I express articulately. He blushes.  Heads turn.  He never speaks to me again. No, that didn't happen.  I thought it best not to draw unnecessary attention to myself in the hub of an academic library.  I got a lot of funny looks last time when I was studying cross-sections of male penises.  Nevertheless, I was in fact reading a book on female orgasms, and thoroughly enjoying myself. Sex. Isn't it fascinating what kinds of emotions foll...

When I pour juice it spills onto the table.  When I stir a pot my food ends up on the floor.  Water dribbles down my chin with alarming frequency as if I've forgotten how my mouth works since the last time I took a drink.  Somehow I get grease stains whenever I wear tan pants to work from gym equipment I don't even use.  My life is full of unconsciously accumulated bumps and bruises and tiny scratches that bleed all over my clothes before I discover I need to buy more band-aids.  I missed the exit to the airport and drove my family 40 minutes in the wrong direction.  Then the gas light came on. Such is life for the incompetent. Unfortunately--more for the quick-tempered than for the patient--I have discovered a world full of creatures very much like me.  It is called Earth.  Here we do all sorts of silly things: lose important papers we've been safekeeping all week, forget to set a timer for the burning bread in the oven.  I've even hea...

“Let’s pick some serious subjects like famine, and drought, and pestilence... I don’t want to have to smile.” -Rob, The Dick Van Dyke Show September 4 ,  1996 “The summer is over now, but I had to write about what a wonderful little swimmer you turned into.  You even jumped off the diving board at the city pool and swam to the side all by yourself.  I am very proud of you.  One day we were swimming at the neighbor’s pool.  You had a whole bunch of little plastic Barbie figures all lined up in a neat row along the side of the pool.  Stephen came along and knocked them over.  You were very mad at him.  You gave him a big scowl and shouted, ‘You Traitor!’  I think Bradley taught you that one. “I have been very depressed and blue lately.  I will be having another baby in about two weeks.  I can’t remember a time in my life when I’ve been more down hearted and miserable....

"Why do we fall sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up."   -Alfred Pennyworth The new year is in and with it comes fresh resolutions and crowded gym parking lots. Some of us will swear off sugar, some of us will vow to put more into savings, and some of us will make lists like “Five Easy Steps to a Whole New You” in the hopes that one day our self-improvement plan will finally kick in. Regardless, I consider this time of year a good opportunity to sit down and think about how to be different. We all could change something for the better. Personally, I love setting goals. I like exploring my options, creating a plan (or three or four), and setting the cogs into motion. It’s exhilarating; all that optimism flowing through one woman as she schedules every hour of every day for the next four months. Whoo! What a rush. Life, however, is not a color-coded playbook, and whether by chance or human frailty, plans and aspirations fall through. I hate that. Of course it...

“Welcome to your destination. We hope you enjoy your stay.” Here you are! Off you go! On to adventure, into the great wide world beyond! Whoops! As soon as you stop by baggage claim. You packed heavy for this trip, remember? I’m guessing the over-sized, 50lb suitcase you dragged with you to check-in seemed like a great idea at the time. Watching it fly by on the carousel with a pile of luggage still attached to your body, it is starting to feel less great. Did I overpack? Wait this isn’t even mine. No, come back! Argh. You wait. You find your bags, you pull them off, and you limp away like a wounded baby elephant until you reach the hotel. The elevator is out of service. “We apologize for the inconvenience.” But your room is still on the third floor, so up you go! When it happens to me I tell myself, Third floor? Up the stairs? No problem. I can do this. I’ve been working out. By step number five I think the walls have started closing in on me like a trash co...

"The child is in me still, and sometimes not so still." Mister Rogers On my birthday this year I woke up early. I jumped out of the shower and into some clothes. I brushed out my hair, slid into some practical shoes, and looked in the mirror. Then I realized, “AGH! I’m turning into my mother!” Of course, I knew it would happen someday, I just thought it would take longer. What are birthdays for, I suppose, if not to remind us that someday we will be exactly like our progenitors? Meanwhile I am enjoying the fiber supplements and elastic waistbands. I like growing up. I don’t like the jury summons, or paying bills, or getting the oil changed, but I like lots of the other stuff. Sometimes I look back and say, “Ah to be a child again.” Then I remember puberty and feel much better about adulthood. Growing up has given me a much better sense of who I am and who I want to be. Of course, I’m still working on that, but the drama of this year has given me plenty of fuel ...