September 4, 1996

“Let’s pick some serious subjects like famine, and drought, and pestilence...I don’t want to have to smile.” -Rob, The Dick Van Dyke Show

September 4, 1996

“The summer is over now, but I had to write about what a wonderful little swimmer you turned into.  You even jumped off the diving board at the city pool and swam to the side all by yourself.  I am very proud of you.  One day we were swimming at the neighbor’s pool.  You had a whole bunch of little plastic Barbie figures all lined up in a neat row along the side of the pool.  Stephen came along and knocked them over.  You were very mad at him.  You gave him a big scowl and shouted, ‘You Traitor!’  I think Bradley taught you that one.

“I have been very depressed and blue lately.  I will be having another baby in about two weeks.  I can’t remember a time in my life when I’ve been more down hearted and miserable.  I wake up every morning and start bawling because I can’t face another day.  I know these feelings are temporary, but it doesn’t seem to lessen the misery of the moment.  Anyway, the other day I was helping you get dressed…Dad was going to take you kids to the zoo early in the morning.  You looked at me with your sweet little face and said ‘I’m happy Mama.  Are you happy Mama?  Is Daddy happy Mama?  I’m happy Mama…’  I hope you always stay Happy Lexie.  The trials in this life can be more than we think we can bear, but there are also great joys.  Thank you for being a bright spot in this time of trial for me.  You are a jewel I cannot live without.”

Twenty years later I stumbled across that old journal entry, and every so often since I imagine the little girl who said: “I’m happy Mama.  Are you happy Mama?  Is Daddy happy Mama?  I’m happy Mama.”  Admittedly, that 3-year-old was much easier to please than I am, but everyday I’m trying a little harder to be more like her—without the tantrums.

For some of us, being optimistic and happy doesn’t come naturally.  I think that’s okay.  It’s not easy to forget the breakup, the broken bone, the failed exam, the heart wrenching news report, and probably we shouldn’t.  Remembering those things is a defense mechanism.  Our brains are designed to protect us.  If we get hurt once, we want to keep it from happening again.  That’s a good thing.  Our brains are working.

But thank Heaven for all the 3-year-old’s out there who help their pregnant mothers remember that life is something to be happy about.  Sometimes I listen to my breath and just think about how wonderful it is to have a body and be alive.  I thought about the millions of men, women, and children who have bowed their heads in prayer today, and everyday, to their God.  I love the words of Gordon B. Hinckley, a prophet of hope and optimism, “There never was a greater time in the history of the world to live upon the earth than this…There is so much of the sweet and the decent and the beautiful to build upon.”

I am not happy and hopeful all the time.  In fact, I recently called my mom in the middle of the night—every night for a week—crying.  A lot.  Sometimes I just don’t feel like laughing.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember why life is good, but Mama is right: There are great joys to be had in this life.  My greatest joy is in the good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  He came to heal and to save.  His is a message of hope and of happiness.  This Easter season I am so thankful for my Prince of Peace and Lord of all who teaches me that happiness is even more than a trip to the zoo.

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