Happily Breathing

October 17th.  I remember October 17th. It was a Saturday night. The weather was good. My brothers had insisted on taking me to a poetry slam, so I sat for an hour in the melancholy ambiance of aspiring poets until I received permission to leave. Meanwhile the sweetest girl you ever knew put the finishing touches on a surprise party she realized too late I didn’t want. I came home to a full house, ate a taco, snapped at my brother in front of all my friends, gave out some hugs and a “thank you for coming,” then snuck away to my room to cry. That’s when I knew—alone in a dark corner with the sound of dear friends and family on the other side of the door—that’s when I knew I wanted to die.

I don't always say it, and I don't always show it, but I am truly grateful for every breath I have ever breathed since that day two years ago. Today I am not only breathing, but happy about it too. Life is so good, whether I deserve it or not.  

 Recently, I was reminded of a letter I wrote more than a year ago to my little brother, the struggling, starving missionary with perpetual diarrhea. I told him that I didn't know why life was so hard for us and the people we love. I said I couldn't always understand what life lessons I was supposed to be learning from my hardships. Then I said:

"This year there has only been one lesson I care about: I still believe in Heavenly Father and His plan of redemption. I still have hope in Christ. I find that very little else matters. I've thought about doing a lot of bad things. Killing myself, cutting myself, doing drugs, alcohol, pornography, swearing. Sometimes the darkest places are in the corner of our own minds. It's scary because I can escape a lot of things, but not that.

"But Christ, even with all the fear and darkness clouding his mind, was able to overcome it all. He 'was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin' (Heb 4:15). That is what is so amazing!...You might not always feel like a good boy, you might feel like you are wasting your time, and you will probably want to come home...but you are a lot better than you think you are and you are becoming a man. I love you tons and tons and I miss you! Be good little man."

 With all my human imperfection I can't say I understand most things, but I am so grateful for the blessing it is to live and to believe in that Prince of Peace who brings light to dark places.  Wherever I am, and however I feel, and no matter my hopes for the future, He is my daily breath.  He is my truest joy.

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