The Nerf Wars

The following account is based on actual events.

The Wood kids got Nerf guns for Christmas this year: Eight 6-inch Nerf guns, three bullets a piece.  You may be wondering, “Aren’t you guys kind of old for that now?”  Why yes.  Yes we are; which is why this thing has escalated to alarming heights.  Here is a record of our wars with one another.

Day One: Christmas Morning

As we gathered around the Christmas tree to unwrap presents we each found a little toy gun next to our stockings.  With a pile of presents still waiting to be unwrapped the shooting began almost immediately.  Dad called for a cease fire, only to get a bullet in the face.  It was Mom.

At last firing ceased and we enjoyed a peaceful day until the park.  There we ran around and shot each other to our hearts’ content.  We came to a truce when we saw small children looking for more play space and returned home.

Day Two: Civilian Attack

When a dear friend came by to deliver a Christmas gift she was caught in the crossfire.  We’re really sorry Alex.  You just came in at the wrong time.

Day Three:  The Battle Continues

Bullets spurted out every few hours yielding as little drama as can be expected in Nerf battles.  Things were at a standstill.

Day Four:  War Has Been Declared

By this time our series of battles forced us to declare war on one another.  It was every man for himself.  Fortunately, Jennie, Stephen, and Ali were able to escape to their homes in the southeastern states, but they left Brad, Lexie, and Brett to fight alone.

Day Five:  Hostages

As the shooting between Bradley and Brett escalated, Brett jumped on Lexie holding the gun to her head and claiming her hostage.  Due to her delicate health Dad intervened, but tensions ran high that night.

Day Six:  The Final Battle

In a desperate effort to end the war Brad and Lexie joined forces against Brett.  They collected as many bullets as they could and hid them in secret cupboards.  During Brett’s preparation for battle he noticed the shortage in ammunition and confronted the small alliance. This initiated an all-out attack.  Bullets flew all around the house until Brad and Lexie declared victory against the flailing Brett.  An excess of shots to the face forced him to concede.

Lulling Brad and Lexie into a false sense of security with four hours of peaceful interaction, Brett prepared for an uprising.  He commenced fire after dinner on his unsuspecting siblings.  As Bradley began the defense attack, Lexie slowly began gathering up the bullets.  When ammunition ran out Brad ran to his ally for support, only to hear her cry, “This has to end now!”  She wouldn’t give up the bullets.  Feeling betrayed he ran from the raging Brett and bellowed in return, “You never loved me!”

As Brett loaded his gun with the last bullet, Brad and Lexie attempted to overtake him.  With a wild look in his eyes Brett pointed the gun at Bradley, then at Lexie, then to his own head and pulled the trigger; thus ending his own misery in Nerf suicide.

If your children are starved for attention or show similar signs of aggression, give them a hug and some bubbles to play with.  Anything else could result violent, war-like behavior.