To Be
“To be, or not to be—that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep—”
-Hamlet
“How can I help you?”
“I am a patient of Dr. G. I wanted to talk to him about some side effects I’ve been having.”
“What is your name? And what are you taking? And what side effects are you experiencing?”
“Depression.”
“I’ll let him know.”
“Mom, it’s so hard. I can’t make it stop. No wonder people kill themselves.”
“I know Lexie, but that’s not going to be you. This is just temporary. You are going to get through this. It’s going to get better. You can change; you have to fight it, okay?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Depression is a rare side effect; but it is a possibility. Your medication might be the cause or the trigger. It will take time to treat.”
“I understand.”
“Alexis, do you feel safe?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I’m afraid of what I’ll do when I’m alone.”
“Why?”
“I have so many bad thoughts.”
“What kinds of thoughts?”
“Like—I don’t want to die, but I think about what I would do if I did.”
“What do you think about doing?
…
“Are those all the thoughts you’ve had?”
“Yes—no—I was afraid of being in the kitchen by myself. There were knives.”
Jump in front of the car. Drink that bottle of Windex. Slit your arm, elbow to wrist. It would be easy. Make it look like an accident. Jump off the balcony. That won’t kill you. Tell your roommate. No, she’ll make it harder in case you change your mind. Overdose. You could go driving. Or hiking. Decide at the ledge.
“Listen to your thoughts.”
I want to die. No, I –
“Don’t try to change them or control them.”
I want to kill myself.
“Just let them flow in and out like your breath as you inhale and exhale.”
Meditation helps. For a moment I can be calm. My body stops shaking, my hands don’t hurt from rubbing them together compulsively, and the stress-induced aches that plague my head and stomach ease up. For a moment.
In the past two months for reasons we are still trying to understand I have developed symptoms of clinical depression. Every day I have to talk myself out of bed, out the door, and into the world. Lately I have thoughts of suicide and self harm every day several times a day, often with very few breaks in between. The frequency and intensity of my thoughts put me at high risk of suicide. My willingness to research and discuss prevention significantly lowers that risk. I talk to the psychologist, the bishop, my family, my friends, my professors, I exercise, I meditate, I sleep regularly, I eat regularly, I go to school, I go to work, I go to church, I carry the number of the national suicide hotline with me, I read scriptures, I read medical advice, I pray. Do I do any of it very well? No; but from what we understand my suicidal thoughts will subside with time (hopefully as quickly as they came) and my depression if not temporary will at least be manageable.
In the meantime I feel like a child of hell. I still smile, I still laugh, and if you ask I’ll tell you I’m fine; but I’m lying. I don’t care about school, I don’t care about church, I don’t care about romance, I don’t care about me. Please don’t misunderstand. I know I have every reason to live. I know I have every reason to be happy. I know this won’t last forever. I know God loves me. I know you love me. I don’t want to die. I am sick. Please know it is very difficult for me to talk about how I am feeling with you. Please forgive me when I lie. Please forgive me for not answering my phone, or for calling too much, or for shying way, or for being too clingy. Please forgive my furrowed brow, my lack of enthusiasm, my lack of reliability. Please forgive me for wanting to hurt myself. Thank you for loving me anyway and please remind me that you do.
My favorite passage of scripture is the words of Alma to his son Helaman in the Book of Mormon. Being “racked with eternal torment,” sometimes his thoughts reflect my own.
“Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my deeds... [And I remembered] of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world… And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!”
I believe that Jesus Christ has experienced my every pain and sorrow. I am comforted in knowing that He knows what I am experiencing; it is possible I also need a taste of what He felt as He bled for me and cried “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” Most days God feels very far away, but I am reminded that distance is necessary for my progress. It hasn’t diminished my love for Him as much as it has increased my longing.
“Perfect people don’t need a Savior. He came to save his people in their imperfections... He’s not embarrassed by us, angry at us or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief.” (Chieko Okazaki, Lighten Up!)
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep—”
-Hamlet
“How can I help you?”
“I am a patient of Dr. G. I wanted to talk to him about some side effects I’ve been having.”
“What is your name? And what are you taking? And what side effects are you experiencing?”
“Depression.”
“I’ll let him know.”
“Mom, it’s so hard. I can’t make it stop. No wonder people kill themselves.”
“I know Lexie, but that’s not going to be you. This is just temporary. You are going to get through this. It’s going to get better. You can change; you have to fight it, okay?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Depression is a rare side effect; but it is a possibility. Your medication might be the cause or the trigger. It will take time to treat.”
“I understand.”
“Alexis, do you feel safe?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I’m afraid of what I’ll do when I’m alone.”
“Why?”
“I have so many bad thoughts.”
“What kinds of thoughts?”
“Like—I don’t want to die, but I think about what I would do if I did.”
“What do you think about doing?
…
“Are those all the thoughts you’ve had?”
“Yes—no—I was afraid of being in the kitchen by myself. There were knives.”
Jump in front of the car. Drink that bottle of Windex. Slit your arm, elbow to wrist. It would be easy. Make it look like an accident. Jump off the balcony. That won’t kill you. Tell your roommate. No, she’ll make it harder in case you change your mind. Overdose. You could go driving. Or hiking. Decide at the ledge.
“Listen to your thoughts.”
I want to die. No, I –
“Don’t try to change them or control them.”
I want to kill myself.
“Just let them flow in and out like your breath as you inhale and exhale.”
Meditation helps. For a moment I can be calm. My body stops shaking, my hands don’t hurt from rubbing them together compulsively, and the stress-induced aches that plague my head and stomach ease up. For a moment.
In the past two months for reasons we are still trying to understand I have developed symptoms of clinical depression. Every day I have to talk myself out of bed, out the door, and into the world. Lately I have thoughts of suicide and self harm every day several times a day, often with very few breaks in between. The frequency and intensity of my thoughts put me at high risk of suicide. My willingness to research and discuss prevention significantly lowers that risk. I talk to the psychologist, the bishop, my family, my friends, my professors, I exercise, I meditate, I sleep regularly, I eat regularly, I go to school, I go to work, I go to church, I carry the number of the national suicide hotline with me, I read scriptures, I read medical advice, I pray. Do I do any of it very well? No; but from what we understand my suicidal thoughts will subside with time (hopefully as quickly as they came) and my depression if not temporary will at least be manageable.
In the meantime I feel like a child of hell. I still smile, I still laugh, and if you ask I’ll tell you I’m fine; but I’m lying. I don’t care about school, I don’t care about church, I don’t care about romance, I don’t care about me. Please don’t misunderstand. I know I have every reason to live. I know I have every reason to be happy. I know this won’t last forever. I know God loves me. I know you love me. I don’t want to die. I am sick. Please know it is very difficult for me to talk about how I am feeling with you. Please forgive me when I lie. Please forgive me for not answering my phone, or for calling too much, or for shying way, or for being too clingy. Please forgive my furrowed brow, my lack of enthusiasm, my lack of reliability. Please forgive me for wanting to hurt myself. Thank you for loving me anyway and please remind me that you do.
My favorite passage of scripture is the words of Alma to his son Helaman in the Book of Mormon. Being “racked with eternal torment,” sometimes his thoughts reflect my own.
“Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my deeds... [And I remembered] of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world… And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!”
I believe that Jesus Christ has experienced my every pain and sorrow. I am comforted in knowing that He knows what I am experiencing; it is possible I also need a taste of what He felt as He bled for me and cried “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” Most days God feels very far away, but I am reminded that distance is necessary for my progress. It hasn’t diminished my love for Him as much as it has increased my longing.
“Perfect people don’t need a Savior. He came to save his people in their imperfections... He’s not embarrassed by us, angry at us or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief.” (Chieko Okazaki, Lighten Up!)
Thank you. Really. I can't say that I, too, suffer from depression, but I'm grateful for you and everyone that shares what they're feeling and thinking and doing. It's a very real battle, and I know that one day I will have to fight, too. So thank you for preparing me to fight as well.
ReplyDeleteLexie, I have known you since you were a little, sweet girl, and watched you grow into a beautiful young woman. Thank you for sharing what you are going through now. I want you to know that I have the utmost respect for you, that I love you, and that I care. My prayers are with you as you go through this struggle. Lean on your family and your friends. They love you and want to be there for you. This too, shall pass. Love, Kathy Faux
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post. I have loved ones who suffer. Know you are loved by me too. Proud of you. Xoxoxo Leilani
ReplyDelete